Sometimes, the hardest thing about being a Reactive Guardian isn't the Dogs behaviour and the complex training plans at all. Sometimes it’s that nosey neighbour who judges you and crosses the street, sometimes it's that well-meaning friend giving you advice you know is just wrong and quite often, it’s our Family.
It can be really frustrating when you and your dog are working really hard and making awesome progress, only to have your confidence shattered by someone who more often than not, means well, but leaves you questioning your choices with your dog and feeling deflated. You are not alone in these interactions or feeling like this after them. So, how can we best handle them?
More often than not, less is more.
ON SOCIAL MEDIA
· Sometimes the best policy on social media is to just scroll-on-by. Tag your favourite trainer or resource and then carry on with your day. Sometimes, setting off "the method debate" on people’s posts asking for help is what turns them away from ALL help. Tell them your positive experience and leave it at that!
· There is no point responding to people who have their hearts set on a particular method. There is absolutely nothing you can say to many of these people that will change their mind- they are more likely to dig their heels in deeper or go find more incorrect information to back themselves. Often times too, if you yourself are not a Qualified Trainer, you may accidently share some misinformation which doesn't help anyone!
· Don't ask for help in the wrong places. Unless the group is a dedicated Fear Free/Force Free group, you are likely to get someone who disagrees with you and who will try to tell you that you've got it all wrong. Be careful where you ask for help to make sure you get the best advice possible- the internet is loaded with misinformation and people who think they know it all!
FRIENDS & FAMILY
It’s important to remember that your friends and family always mean well. They care about you and may not understand what Reactivity is and how you could possibly be so bonded to an animal they simply perceive as dangerous or aggressive. Remember that they don't often get to see that cute dog who cuddles up with you on the couch & loves a good sunbake or can be a complete goofball when surrounded by safety. They see the dog who stops you going to the park, makes walks stressful and can be all-consuming at times.
Create a Family or Friends group chat. Show them the dog you see all the time, without talking about your Training or the bad days. Let them see and fall in love with the dog you see. Let them see your progress and celebrate with you- actions speak louder than words. You may need to set a rule that you don’t discuss training methods in this chat if there have previously been heated discussions within your group!
Don't get into with them. If you've already had this conversation with them and they don't believe your choice to be Fear Free is the right one, then it’s unlikely you will change their mind with your words. These conversations often end in tears, frustration and pain. It’s easier to say "Thank you, but I'm going to continue with my current training plan" and change the subject.
NEIGHBOURS & STRANGERS
It's important to remember that negative interactions with neighbours and strangers on walks is more about them feeling unsafe. They are reacting themselves and are just wanting to protect themselves and/or their dog.
We are bombarded daily by the media about dangerous dogs and dog attacks and then again on social media with all these trainers offering quick fixes and showing seemingly amazing before and afters. This leaves people thinking that anyone out there with an "out of control" dog is just lazy, irresponsible or can't be bothered training their dog. They often have little to no understanding of what is actually happening with your dog or that it will take time for you to work on things.
Sometimes your neighbour will be stuck in the middle of some of your dogs behaviour- maybe because your dog fence runs or barks at them when they're in their yard. It pays to head on over there with some chocolate or wine and have a chat with them. Let them know you're working on things and that it will take some time. Give them your number and check in with them often.
IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER
It's your dog, your journey, your choice. You live with your dog, not them. You also have to live with the choices you make that affect your dog, not them.
The wellbeing of you and your dog is more important than anything else. Some people have made up their minds about how dogs learn and the level of respect they deserve. Nothing you say will impact them, but their responses and behaviour is likely to impact you. Its never worth losing your spark or wasting energy on this - that spark is for you and your dog !
The world in general is still coming around the idea that we achieve things by being gentle, kind and considerate. These attributes are often seen as weak- they are anything but. It takes great patience & love to put aside your ego and put another beings wellbeing first.
Engaging in the "Method Debate" is not worth your time or energy. Leave it to the pros!
SOME COMMON PHRASES AND HOW YOU CAN RESPOND
" That dog is aggressive and it needs to be told that this behaviour not ok!"
My dog is reactive, not aggressive. They are reacting to things in their environment that they are worried about. They are basically having a panic attack. How would you like me to treat you if you were having a panic attack? Don't you think my dog deserves that level of care and empathy too?
My dog is behaving exactly how a dog should when they are scared. His behaviour is normal and what he needs is comfort and patience right now.
"Your dog doesn't seem to be getting better. Maybe you should try a different training approach"
Behaviour change takes time. You don't go to psychologist and expect him to resolve your anxiety in 2 sessions, it’s the same for my dog! Just last week we managed to walk past 2 dogs on our walk with no reactions! How good is that!
"All dogs love me!" (whilst reaching out to pat the dog you've told them to ignore!)
My dog might love you too if you just give her the space, she needs to suss you out first! Please take your hand away and ignore her until she decides!
My dogs body language right now says she isn't happy with you in her space- she can't love you if you scare her! Please back off and ignore her. She will come to you when she is ready
Everybody needs to ignore my dog until she is ready to say hi. If you cannot control yourself and follow our rules, then you may need to leave.
Here are some treats- Please toss them across the room to her. She needs a little help to know you’re safe and just want to love her!
"You need to stop babying that dog!"
Meeting your dog’s emotional & physical needs is not babying them. Protecting them from triggers outside of training is not babying them. Its respecting them and its one of the biggest shows of love.
"Ive had dogs for 30 years and none of them ever suffered for being told off!"
As soon as anyone starts with the years of experience they have (or how many instagram followers they have) I generally turn my ears off. This is not worth your energy to respond to. This person thinks they know it all and nothing you say will change that. Just remember that your dog has it way better!
"Stress is just part of life! "
Yes , it is. I don't feel the need to participate in adding to that stress, I'd rather be stress relief for my dog! As his guardian, its my job to show him how to handle stress and how to come to me for support when its all to much!
"You need to be the leader"
No thanks, I prefer to be my dogs team mate.
I am! I'm the Snack Leader!
"Are you sure he won't get along with my dog? My dog is very friendly"
Its lovely that your dog is friendly,but mine has made it clear time and again that he is not comfortable with other dogs and I would hate for your dog to lose his friendly nature over an interaction gone wrong!
Or quite simply, "No thanks" and then walk away
"Dont worry! HES FRIENDLY"
I'm sure we have ALL experienced this one before or at least a variant of it!
Yeah! Well mines not!
I have covid! (Then start coughing!)
Mine has fleas!
CALL YOUR DOG!!!!!
NEVER be afraid to yell at someone to protect your dog!
“Giving him treats will only reward the bad behaviour!”
If you had a panic attack and I came and gave you a big hug and made you a hot chocolate, would you want to have another panic attack? Probably not. That's quite simply just not how it works.
I'm offering my dog things, he likes helps him to refocus on me and build better associations with things he’s scared of. The same way that giving you a hug wont “reward” your panic attack, treats won’t reward my dogs panic attack.
You cannot reinforce an emotion. I’m letting my dog use their behaviour to tell me their emotions and I am reacting accordingly with the support they need.
“Reactive/Aggressive dogs shouldn’t be allowed out on walks! They’re dangerous!”
The only way for my dog to learn the world isn’t scary is for him to experience it slowly and with my help. We choose our times so that he is out and about at a time and place where he can handle it and not be a danger to anyone.
Karens like you shouldn't be allowed out either!! (Then walk away...fast!)
At the end of the day, your peace is worth more than these interactions. More often than not these comments come from people who have never walked the Reactive Lifestyle. Take a breath and be thankful for that.
What things have you told people before to get them to back off and leave you alone?
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